Memo from the Chicago Scum-Times Newspaper

MEMO

Chicago Sun-Times
Friday May 31, 2013

To ALL SURVIVING STAFF MEMBERS

First, congratulations. Your time has not yet come. But it will.

Second, I wanted to post the new rules for our reporters. As you know, photography became obsolete on Thursday morning as a result of the Internet -- it had nothing to do with incompetent business management at the newspaper at all. In light of the demise of photography, the Chicago Sun-Times decided to eliminate all of its obsolete photographers.

Anyway, photography was so precise. Accurate. We can't have any of that at The Bright One. (We're Fair and Balanced. Just ask FOX News.)

So beginning Monday, every reporter now must share their responsibility to capture graphic images. In deference to the mass firing of 28 obsolete editorial employees formerly known as "photographers" -- the word is being removed from our already limited lexicon -- we will just ignore them, so as not to make our newspaper look bad.

Next, the burden is no on your pencils to use your cell phone to capture images and send them to the editor, or to his wife who was laid-off and then rehired when he was promoted. Her job is to review all images, edit them to make them look good and place them in the newspaper. (We're paying her $72,000, not because of nepotism but because her husband is such a warm dude.)

Additionally, all reporters, really the three of you who are left, will have more duties and assignments. Not beat assignments. We need newspaper delivery boys. So, beginning on Monday, you will be responsible for delivering your newspaper to your suburban community and the four suburbs surrounding your community. Don't worry. That sounds like a lot of deliveries but our circulation is so down these days, it will probably mean no more than two bicycle trips or four burlap bags (two bags per trip).

Just a cautionary note. We have discovered that in the past when our under-aged newspaper delivery kids deliver papers throwing them onto driveways, some of the homeowners are throwing them back at the delivery boys and causing injuries to the face, teeth and head. You're on your own, pals. Make sure you get supplemental insurance to cover the donut hole in our Chicago Sun-Times Health Insurance plan. It's pretty weak. I suggest if you can't afford to buy the supplemental insurance, that you practice ducking. It happens a lot.

Please, also, we insist that you stop bullying the prima donnas in our office. Yes, Carol Marin has five jobs and is collecting five paychecks including one from the Chicago Sun-Times, one from WTTW Channel 11 and one from WMAQ TV, plus two more from her speeches and her private company that has government contracts. But that doesn't mean her pay has anything to do with the cut in pay you are experiencing or the excuse that we had to dump those veteran photographers because "we didn't have the money."

We don't have the money.

We would if we didn't pay triple-dippers like Carol Marin so much. But she is getting old and baggy and, well, she has friends at Emerald Casino that she made when she turned her back on their problems and refused to do exposes on them and their owners. She's taken care of. Plus the booze king likes her and well, we can't upset the booze king, not while the Black Hawks are trying to kick ass and win the Stanley Cup.

Oh, that reminds me, make sure to get lots of pictures of the Black Hawks and the booze king. You are REQUIRED to write five extra features in addition to your everyday work, on your own time, on our owners. PR Fluff is bullshit. It's not. The booze king deserves as the press he can get.

Got to make this short because the Booze King invited the editors to a swaray -- oops, no copy editors any more. Soiree! It's by invitation only. Don't expect an invitation. Get to work.

And we are closing the child day care center and putting your kids to work on a union scale reflecting their age. Kids under 5 years of age will be paid $1.25 an hour plus Kool Aid. Kids 5 -16 will be paid $2.50 an hour, plus coupons for Big Macs.

Good night everyone. And have a pleasant tomorrow. If you are still employed.

The Chicago Scum-Times Management

Newspaper dumps 28 employees including its entire photo staff

The Chicago Sun-Times fired 28 of its fulltime editorial employees, gutting the newspaper's entire photography staff.

The Photographers were dumped because they rely less on opinion and hallucination and more on accurately depicting events. A photograph doesn't lie, just some of the reporters at the newspaper.

The employees were given their abrupt notice on Thursday morning. The editor reportedly said that the new owners of the fast declining tabloid scandal sheet that has a history of controversy and inaccuracy was "more concerned about profits" than on "good journalism."

The vast majority of people out there already know that the Chicago Sun-Times doesn't care about truth or working hard to dig up good stories.

One of the newspaper's favorite topics is government nepotism. But not laid off were the spouses of four Sun-Times editors, including one who had his wifey rehired after she was laid off in 2008.

Click to read more on this story.